Wrapping presents is one of my all time favorite things to do. I have a room in my new house that is dedicated to just that. That was one of the things I said to Scary Hubby that I had to have in our new house. He knows about my obsession, though he does not share it or understand it. I have a hard time during this time of year because there is wrapping paper and bows in all the stores and I just can’t resist buying it. I’m always on the lookout for unusual or even scary ones to add to my ever growing collection. Today I came across these two lovely ones. I’ve seen bone wrapping paper before, but this one is really nice. I especially fell in love with the blood splatter wrapping paper. I wonder what my family would think if I wrapped all of their Christmas presents in it. Ah! They’d probably just shake their heads and say, “Typical Jane, always trying to shock us.” They’re all pretty used to me by now. I think I’ll do it anyway.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Christmas and all of the Christmas traditions, but once in a while I like to have some fun with it and scary it up. Check out what I did with the traditional Christmas story The Night Before Christmas.

The Zombie Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except for a mouse;
The mouse came from a medical research lab test,
But didn’t completely die like the rest;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While nightmares of spiders danced in their heads;
And mamma in the kitchen had spotted the mouse,
Whacked it with a hammer and got blood in her mouth;
Inside her body there arose such a clatter,
As the virus mutated to make her mad as a hatter.
Away out the door she flew like a flash,
Ran down the street moaning, covered in a rash.
The moon shone on her as she ran down the lane
Seeking to quench her new hunger for brains.
When, what to her rotting eyes should appear,
But a group of carolers singing with cheer.
Their cheers turned to screams as she bit at their heads,
Soon the whole group was lying there dead.
But that didn’t last long as they rose to their feet,
They now also wanted some brains they could eat.
From door to door and throughout the night,
Zombies ruled the town and everything in sight.
The army was called in with big guns and tanks,
They surrounded the town and protected their flanks.
But a little old lady, now undead and quick,
Bit the arm of a soldier, and made him get sick.
The soldier was taken to HQ to be checked,
And soon the army base was totally wrecked.
The army, the guard, and the mighty marines,
All failed to stop the bloodthirsty fiends.
I wanted to run, and was turning around,
Then down from the sky St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in kevlar, from his left to his right,
He knew how to protect himself from zombies that bite;
A bundle of weapons he had flung on his back,
And he looked like an action hero ready to attack.
His eyes — how they twinkled as he fired his guns,
His cheeks were like roses, his aim second to none!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the blood of the zombies covered the snow;
The pins of grenades he pulled with his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
And his axe cut through zombies like jelly.
He cut off their heads, to kill them for good,
Saving the world as only few could;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but finished his work,
And burned all the bodies; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up from the rubble he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

“Those damn zombies really ruined my night.”

By: Scary Jane (with a little help from the classic story)

Nothing warms my heart more than the jolly old man in the red suit except maybe a zombie. Especially if he’s eating Santa’s brain. Don’t you just want to piss off some way too happy holiday shopper with this t-shirt? What about that crazy woman that grabbed the last Honey Glazed Ham at the grocery store? Or that crazy jerk that covered his house in lights and blacked out the whole neighborhood? Come on! Help me spread the Chistmas dread and wear your Sorry, Virginia – Zombies ate Santa’s brain t-shirt. You know you want to.

Are you tired of vampires? Are you sick of hearing about the Twilight stars? Well, I am! So hears more. Actually this one is more interesting. My Mother-in-Law of all people alerted me to this. Just shows how cool she is. Anyway, it’s an iPhone app called Vampire Transformer that was created by Peter Facinelli (Dr. Carlisle Cullen from Twilight) and the 211me.com team. It allows you to transform a photo of someone into a vampire. You can blend your photo with one of over 30 vampires to create your own personal vampire. Then you can send your creations to Twitter, Facebook, and their online Vampire Gallery. It’s all done with layers, so the more layers you use the grosser you get. You do have to have an iPhone to get the app. I downloaded it earlier and I’ve been having a blast with it. Try doing it to pictures of your pets or babies. That’s when it gets really twisted.

Are you into headbanger music? Are you a fan of the Headbanger’s Ball on MTV? Well, I’m not, but at one time when the original Headbanger’s Ball was on MTV I was. Now you can have computer speakers that will take your headbanging to a whole new level. These Skull Computer Speakers look like they have been headbanging a few too many times actually. Maybe you should give them a break, let them rest and only play Barry Manilow on them. Or maybe you should let your true nature show and put these two little guys in your cubicle at work. Be proud of your headbanging ways and wear your concert tees with pride in the office. No one will ever mistake you for that preppy prick in accounting again.

As usual I am always looking out for ways to freak out neighbors. Of course it’s always fun to do it at Halloween, but that’s expected. I like to do it at different times and in unexpected ways. I found these severed fingers and immediately started thinking about Halloween. Moments later my brain started going beyond Halloween and came up with some great ideas. I love to decorate for Christmas. I know, sounds strange right? Actually not strange if you think of all of the fun things you can scatter around mixed in with your plastic Santas and elves. People get very freaked out when you mess with Christmas. I love it as much as the next person, but that doesn’t mean I have no sense of humor. Try sticking these severed fingers on your Christmas tree, so it looks like someone is clawing their way out. How about putting them in the hay in your nativity scene on the front lawn. Better yet! Stick them in the turkey before you bring it to the table. Maybe not…might be a little too freaky for some of the older folks. Point is…have some fun. You’d be amazed at what you could come up with to do with these fingers.

Ever get frustrated at work? Ever feel like stabbing your boss with a pen? I am my own boss and even I feel like doing that sometimes. I mean my boss is a total bitch. We all have days like that. Just some more than others. Who really cares about those dumb stress balls. They don’t work. Why don’t you picture yourself holding a pen and thinking about that dumb boss that just reminded you again about remembering to put the new cover sheets on the TPS reports (if you don’t get that reference then you should check out Office Space and see what a really stupid boss is like). Now wouldn’t it be nice to have a place to stab that pen into without worrying about going to jail? That’s what Dead Fred is for! He’s a little red silicone guy that’s actually a pen holder. You can stab that pen into his heart a hundred times and he won’t ever call 911. Just don’t yell out your boss’ name while doing it or it could get you fired.

Where’s my bloody tea? Now when some Brit in a castle yells that out to a servant they can bring them their Bloody Tea set. Seriously. Wouldn’t that be cool for a servant to bring to some mean boss. Actually, if the servant was really upset with him they could bring a plain white tea set and a sharp knife and make their own. Since this does cost $500 that might be the cheaper choice. How many servants can afford to drop that much money on something to scare their boss with. Of course then you have to hide the evidence and make sure no other servants saw you. Then there is the matter of the police and of course they will eventually figure out that it was you, because everyone knows the butler did it. Best just to forget it. In the end it was just fun to think about, but not worth the jail time. Maybe just stick with putting hot sauce in his tea or something.

While I was covering all of the goodies during the month of October I found lots of cool things online to post about. Unfortunately, I had to save them until October was done. Now that November is in full swing I can let loose. First off we have the Blood Powered Lamp. Yup, that’s what I said. A lamp powered by your own blood. Well, you could use anyone’s blood actually, if you have some lying around. What a ghoulish idea, right? I’d like to think it was a spooky idea that some vampire had, but unfortunately no. Mike Thompson, an English designer from The Netherlands had a completely different purpose in mind. “What if, every time you wanted to switch on a light, you had to bleed? Would you think twice before illuminating the room, and in turn, using up energy?” In other words would we think differently about using up energy if it cost us something valuable each time. Interesting idea, huh? The lamp contains luminol. Luminol is the chemical forensic scientists use to check for traces of blood at a crime scene. Luminol reacts with the iron in blood and creates a bright blue glow. To use the lamp, you have to break the glass, cut yourself, and drip blood into the opening along with some activating powder. Unfortunately, each lamp can only be used once. Might make you rethink how much energy you use. Unless, of course, you have a supply of extra blood collected from your victims lying around.

When you are setting up your haunted house it is important that you don’t forget the bathroom. There are quite a few things that you can do in there. One of my favorites is actually very simple. Get some red craft paint and print in large letters on the mirror Redrum with the d and the second r written backwards like it was in The Shining. I do this whenever I have a Halloween party and it really freaks people out. Another thing you can do is this shower curtain. Not another bloody shower curtain! I know I have covered a few of these in the past, but this shower curtain has a twist.  When your guests walk into the bathroom they see a shower curtain with blood splatters and the silhouette of a man wielding a knife. That could be pretty scary on it’s own. As they walk further into the bathroom suddenly they hear the music from Psycho along with blood curdling screams. It all works with a motion activated sound box that runs on batteries. The whole thing costs only $19.98, so it’s really a no-brainer. It would be too noisy for me to live with this year round, but for Halloween it’s fantastic.